


The Fourth Time

by nohbdysink



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-27
Updated: 2015-07-27
Packaged: 2018-04-11 15:07:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4440560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nohbdysink/pseuds/nohbdysink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kanda's been hiding something these last few weeks and Lavi is very much determined to figure it out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Fourth Time

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this reply from aozu on tumblr:  
> "• who dies first  
> wow what a question. Lavi probably gets into the most number of life-threatening situations but he pulls through. Instead it’s Kanda, when his blood doesn’t regenerate him anymore and he doesn’t tell anybody."

Lavi rolled over expecting to snuggle into a certain sleeping samurai’s arms only to hit back hit the wall instead. Surprised that Kanda still wasn’t in bed- it wasn’t six o clock just yet- Lavi cracked an eye open to look around. “Yuu?” he whispered into the room. When there was no snippy baritone reply, he frowned.

Kanda had been acting weird lately, flighty and even less talkative that usual. Not that any normal person would have noticed, but Lavi used to be a Bookman and Bookmen notice every little change especially now that he didn’t have to cover up his second eye. And especially when it came to Kanda.

After the Earl was defeated, Lavi couldn’t lie to himself anymore. He had tried for couple months to continue on with his job, to shove Lavi into another compartment like all his other aliases and forget. And for a time, it had worked. Ray, as he now called himself, was a boring ol’ lad. Quiet, reserved- the complete opposite of Lavi almost. Ray worked alongside Bookman with no complaints, until a certain Kanda Yuu came back into his life.

The two were in Japan; their new mission was to record the current Japanese civil war from the Tokugawa side. Unbeknownst to Bookman or his Junior, the squad that they were assigned to was led by Kanda Yuu. As soon as Bookman found out, he protested but since either side couldn’t reveal the nature in which they knew one another, his complaints were brushed aside.

Kanda on the other hand found his chance to get back at Lavi or Ray for leaving so quickly after the akuma war had ended. The samurai would always force Ray to bear the brute of the grunt work or give him some extra work. After a while, neither side could take it anymore. But to say the two reconciled was an understatement. Kanda had his pride and although Ray didn’t, Lavi did. It was rough, it was messy, it was definitely painful. That’s how the two always liked it though. They didn’t know it any way. It meant they were sorry, it meant that they had missed one another, it meant that they forgave, and so much more that they couldn’t say with words.

It was the morning after that he realized it, Lavi thought as he shifted onto his back, putting his hands under his head. “I love you, Yuu.” It was the first time he had said out loud, albeit to an empty tent; Kanda was already at his early morning war meeting. He had said it again that night right in Kanda’s ear. The samurai froze, his expression schooled into something unreadable to stare at Lavi. Lavi remembered it took him a couple minutes but the two resumed their activities like nothing had happened, which was enough for Lavi at the time.

He knew that no answer was the best answer that Kanda could give. It wasn’t like he had expected the same thing in return anyways. Kanda wasn’t like that and Lavi couldn’t image loving a Kanda like that. He liked the way Kanda acted like he didn’t care but then did things to show he would. He liked the way Kanda denied any and all of his feelings, just to show them in the dead of night when everyone else but the two were asleep. He was fine with Kanda not saying the words out loud.

That isn’t to say that Kanda had never said them. He had said it exactly three times, only in dire situations. Well except for last night. Maybe that’s what was bothering Lavi so much.

The first time Kanda had said it, Lavi had found him under a pile of rubble and covered in akuma stars (evidently there were still a couple stray level ones). He was barely conscious and had Lavi’s superior hearing not picked it up, he would have totally missed it. It took Kanda a full week to get back to full health. Lavi thought Kanda was going to die; Kanda had thought the same.

The second time Kanda had said it Lavi had accidentally gotten himself caught in the middle of an ambush during night patrol. Lavi vaguely remembered Kanda carrying him in his arms and treating him afterwards. Again had Lavi had picked up those soft words right before he passed out. At that time, Kanda thought Lavi was going to die; Lavi had thought the same.

The third time Kanda had said it to Lavi, it was Lavi’s turn to freeze and stare at his partner. He racked his brain for words but for once, the redhead was speechless. The pregnant pause only lead Kanda to scoff and continue their activities. When he found his voice- well it made him blush just thinking about it.

Lavi got out of bed to look around their apartment. “Yuu?” He frowned when there still wasn’t a reply. Sure Kanda liked his early morning routine but he never got up earlier than he had to. Lately however, he would leave early or come back late enough to avoid Lavi. Every time that Lavi had pointed it out to him, Kanda would just dismiss it. Excuses after excuses were made until he just gave up trying.

Sure Kanda was reserved; it had taken months to get Kanda to even talk to him. It took him another year for small talk to occur. Getting Kanda to open up is more difficult than cutting down a level four. Hell, he didn’t even know about Alma he overheard Allen and Lenalee talking about it after the war.

Meandering over to the kitchen, Lavi made himself some coffee. He sat down at the counter to wait for Kanda.

* * *

5:37 PM. Lavi sighed as he looked at the clock for the fifty billionth time. Usually he’s a patient person but not when he’s worried. Actually, he wondered if there was even a point to his wondering. Kanda was always a person that was able to take care of himself. The samurai healed at an incredible rate, though that had dulled lately. Even when he was dangerously hurt, Kanda knew how to wrap himself up. Those were physical ailments though. Lavi felt that this, whatever this was, wasn't. It bothered him to no end, especially when his instincts were never wrong.

Rising from the couch, he went to his neighbors. Maybe they knew something.

“Allen! Are you home?” Lavi heard a few hushed whispers before opened the door for him.

“Hey Lavi. What’s up?” she asked with a smile that didn’t seem to reach her eyes like it normally would. “…Where’s Kanda?” She looked behind him as if Kanda was going to grouchily appear. Lavi saw through her acting though. Lenalee was a good actress, the former Bookman had noted that when he first came to the Order. It took him months with her led him to figure out her tells. Now, however, he could tell with ease which only fueled the nagging thoughts in his brain.

Lavi took Lenalee’s hand and kissed it. “Hello there my lovely Lenalady. That’s a good question. I was wondering if you or Allen knew. He seems to be disappearing a lot lately.” He didn’t miss the panicked look that Lena gave Allen on the topic nor did he miss the sudden appearance of Allen’s poker face. Something was definitely amiss.

“Has he? We haven’t seen him since dinner on Sunday.” Allen poured everyone a cup of tea, motioning them to sit after. His was smile perfect, calculated. Lavi hated it. If Lenalee took months, Allen took twice that. The kid was wickedly deceptive when he wanted to be. Time with Cross and the 14th does that to someone, he supposed.

“He hasn’t stopped by at all since Sunday?” Lavi didn’t know why he was dragging the conversation out. Maybe he wanted an honest answer from his friends. Maybe he didn’t actually want to find out what’s wrong with Kanda. He didn’t miss the side glances Allen and Lenalee gave one another as he pretended to sip his tea.

“No we ha-”

Allen was quickly cut off by Lenalee. Bless her soul. Lavi didn’t know if he could have sat through this charade. “He hasn’t talked to you at all?”

“That’s baKanda for you. Never telling anyone anything important,” murmured Allen only to receive a glare from Lenalee.

“Is there something I should know?” Lavi looked at his two friends, desperate for an answer. Allen’s words only confirmed the uneasiness in his stomach. He wished his friends were more forthcoming with whatever information they had.

Allen sighed. He looked to Lenalee for a few moments, communicating with just their eyes. Suddenly, an ark gate opened in their living room.

Lenalee smiled sadly at him. “I told him to tell you but I guess he didn’t. Figures,” She murmured as she pushed him into the ark gate

“Wait! What did he tell you guys? What didn’t he tell me?” Lavi had more questions now than ever. What had Kanda kept hidden from him but not Allen or Lenalee? Why did he have to hear it from Kanda? Before Lavi could ask any of these questions, he was pushed into the gate.

* * *

Lavi landed face-first in the sand. “Aggh. Thanks Allen!” he grumbled, spitting out sand lodged in his mouth.

Where am I? It seemed to be a large room held up with columns, well what was left of them, and covered in sand. He walked further into the room and saw that part of the ceiling was blown out, letting the light from the setting sun in. Is this Matar? He remembered that Matar was the first mission Allen and Kanda went on together. There was some trouble as there was a troublesome level two who could change its skin at will. The final battle, noted by both of the former exorcists, played out in a room like this. The Italian city was mentioned again in the records as the place Allen sent Kanda and Alma too, a request from Kanda to be alone with his friend before the other succumbed to the dark matter.

As Lavi looked around, he noticed a silhouette of a person leaning against one of the columns. Even though the person was facing away from him, Lavi could easily make out that it was Kanda. The long silky hair that was tied in his signature ponytail. The lean posture that constantly exuded a calm demeanor. It was relieving to see him after worrying the whole day.

“Yuu?” He thought Kanda didn’t hear him at first but then he was met by those familiar steely eyes that quickly turned away when they realized who they saw.

Lavi came to stand next to Kanda. “So this is where you were…” he chuckled awkwardly. “Ya know I was worried about ya.” He glanced over at Kanda, waiting for a response. When one never came, he glanced in the direction Kanda was looking. Up against the wall there was a small pond- Lavi assumes Kanda built it since it was oriental-styled and they were in Italy. The pond was filled with beautiful lotuses, some newly buds, others fully bloomed. The colors ranged from a dark pink to a lighter shade like the one Kanda kept in their room to a silky pure white. Kanda tended to all the plants in their house meticulously, Lavi knew, but the pond was almost ethereal.

Looking closer, Lavi saw a small wooden plank in the middle of the pond with something written on it. _Alma Karma_.He glanced up at Kanda’s expressionless face. So this is where the other second exorcist was laid to rest. Despite all of Leverrier’s badgering and constant threats, Allen never told him where he sent the two second exorcists and Kanda never revealed where he buried Alma’s remains. Lavi even tried multiple times, but conceded when all he got were death glares. Even the former Bookman Junior knew pushing Kanda too far could be dangerous.

“Soooo… is this why ya been ‘voiding me, Yuu?” Lavi knew eventually Kanda would answer him. “Ya know, ya could’ve jus’ said something. Yuu-chan is so mean. You’ve been disappearing all the time lately. All distant like. And then last night you said ‘I-”

Kanda’s glare cut Lavi off. He stared back trying to read the mysterious eyes. They seemed different than before, darker, more detached. What was laced under there though? Pain from looking at Alma’s resting place? No. That didn’t feel right. Sadness? Could it be? Kanda got moody but sad?

Kanda broke away, crossing his arms. “Which idiot told you?” he murmured quietly, voice distantly.

Lavi frowned. Kanda never talked this way. “None actually. They just kind of dropped me off here.” His heart clenched when Kanda frowned; something was definitely wrong. “What did you tell Lena and Allen but not me?”

Kanda scoffed. “I didn’t tell them. Lena just noticed and that damn Bean is always with her…” He ignored the other part of the question completely.

“Noticed what?” A twinge of jealousy flowed through Lavi. What had Lenalee noticed about Kanda that he hadn’t? Wasn’t he supposed to know the samurai better than anyone else? How had he let whatever Lenalee discover slip pass him when he was the one living with Kanda? And why did Kanda never tell him what’s wrong?

“Nothing, Usagi. Go home.” Kanda pulled Lavi’s face closer to his, brushing his lips against the redhead. “I’ll come back… in a bit.”

Lavi blinked. That was the most gentle kiss he’d ever receive from Kanda. He wanted to push Kanda against the column and pepper Kanda with kisses but he knew that was only meant to distract him.

He wasn’t leaving until he got an answer from Kanda. “No,” he stately flatly. “You’re going to tell me or I’m going to drag you home. For weeks you’ve been weird. Not your normal weird.” Dark eyes glared at him, annoyed. “You’ve been quieter than usual. The last time we had anything close to a normal conversation was at dinner on Sunday.”

“It’s not a conversation. You talk. I listen,” interjected Kanda.

To which Lavi rolled his eyes. “Yeah yeah, but you always add in your snipes. You barely do that anymore. Not like you’re ever home to do snipe, by the way. Don’t think I don’t noticed that you leave at sunup and don’t get back until sundown. You disappear for hours, Yu.” Lavi stepped closer, pining Kanda against the column. “If something’s wrong, you could have told me. I can-”

“It’s none of your business, Usagi.” Kanda tried pushing Lavi on but he pressed harder, using his height and weight to his advantage.

“Yes it is. It is-” Lavi slammed his hands against the column pining Kanda between them, eliciting a raised eyebrow from his partner. “Dammit, Yu, why can’t you just tell me things? I worry about you, ya know. Especially when you say the things you say last night. Cause it gets me thinkin’ ya know. Cause ya don’t say it much. ‘Cept when you do one of us-” The right nerve endings in his head started firing in Lavi’s brain despite his refusal to believe it. He stared at Kanda, willing him to say something, but after a long pause the samurai simply looked away.

Lavi was always one for denial. He denied that he didn’t have emotions after staying at the Black Order for a couple months. He denied his budding feelings for Kanda until he couldn’t take it anymore. He denied that he could be able to walk away from the Akuma War and move onto a different persona without difficulty. He denied that he and Kanda could ever make amends and live as they were living now. He definitely wanted to deny what Kanda’s silence was telling him now.

“But your lotus…” In their room, Kanda kept the flower that was connect to his life. It still had at least half of its petals. If it was healthy, then Kanda was healthy right?

Kanda shook his head. He went behind the column, retrieving his real lotus and handed it to Lavi. There was only one petal left attached to the bulb. Barely hanging on, it was wilted and browning unlike the vibrant lotuses behind him.

“I didn’t have much left after the Akuma War,” whispered Kanda. “Even less after the few months of fighting that happened in Japan.” He looked away from Lavi shamefully, but Lavi understood. Kanda was born to fight. That was the reason he was created. After miraculously surviving the Akuma War, Lavi went on his separate ways but Kanda told him when they found another again that he had tried to have a normal life to no avail so it was off to Japan instead. With no Earl to control the country, many fought for control and if Kanda was going to die, he was going to die fighting. Only, Kanda probably didn’t account that Lavi would come back to his life.

“You still should have told me…” Lavi murmured, holding back tears. Kanda sighed, but nodded. They both sat in silence, neither knowing what to say to the other.

“How long?” he asked, finally finding his voice. Lavi looked at Kanda. Hopefully, he could see the forgiveness in his eyes. Sure some part of Lavi was still mad and wanted to scold Kanda for his secrecy. But Kanda was going to die soon, and the last thing Lavi wanted to do was argue with the samurai.

Kanda shrugged. “Sunrise?” He traced the intricate design carved into the wood of the hourglass. “I’m feeling tired even now.”

Lavi turned Kanda’s face towards him, giving him a kiss. It was meant to be as tender as the one given to him earlier but Kanda wrapped his arms around Lavi’s neck and held him in place. He sought entrance into Lavi’s mouth; their tongues danced together leisurely. While the kiss wasn’t as heated as their normal kisses, it still left Lavi breathless when Kanda pulled away. “Let’s watch the sunrise then,” he breathed into Kanda’s ear, pulling him close. He knew instantly that Kanda agreed when the man rested his head on his shoulder.

* * *

Lavi sat against the column, his arm around Kanda’s waist, propping him up when he couldn’t hold himself up anymore. In the past couple hours, Kanda declined rapidly as if every time he abused his body was coming back for revenge. Lavi watched as standing became a big effort, to sitting, to just saying a few words. “Hey Yu, wake up. The sun’s rising.”

The sunrise has always been refreshing for Lavi. It was a symbol for renewal. The things that happened the day before mean nothing as a new day began. One was able to start over and pave a new path to their own choosing. Sunsets were pretty but, Lavi preferred the brighter colors of the sunrise. Pinks and baby blues mixed with orange and yellow were soothing, making him feel refreshed. Yet today, it was bittersweet, knowing what was to come.

He was glad he didn’t wait for Kanda to come home yesterday, now that he knew he would have never. He was glad that he was hear with his lover for his last moments even if he wished he knew sooner. Lavi smiled. Despite moments away from losing the person he loved the most, he was content.

As the last of the sun cross the horizon, Lavi held Kanda closer. He did not miss the last words Kanda spoke.

Just a few precious words. Spoken only three, now four times.

_I love you, Lavi._

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sorry.


End file.
